Dangerous Comedy (8.17.06)

SO I WAS HAVING A ROUGH DAY
By Justin Laird
So I was having a rough day. A rat had run off with my pussy, so I was out all night trying to find her. And any guy will tell you when a piece of tail runs off you’d do anything to get it back. My little whiskers just doesn’t know what’s good for her, she’s a cat for Pete’s sake, she’s sees a mouse and goes running.
So I find my pussy cat and it turns out some dog had killed her. A real son of a bitch. He had hit her with his car, honestly some drivers. So I shot him in the legs nine times and broke his nose with the butt of a pistol. I then stole his wallet, cell phone, and any loose change he had in his pocket. Using the phone I called his wife to let her know where her mutt of a husband had gone, and then decided that I needed a drink.
So I went to a bar. Not a real classy place, but it’s not like a Western brothel house. So I sit down at the bar and the bartender comes over and asks me what I want. So I tell him I just want milk. I had had a rough day and just wanted something to calm me down. The bartender said he didn’t have any but if he went in back he could help me out. He also says it might cost me a little extra. So I say sure, whatever, after all I had just mugged some guy so I had plenty of cash on me.
So the milk comes and I’m sitting there with it, drinking at my leisure, and I start to notice that this is really good stuff. Real warm, almost a little thick, like a milkshake. And some of you may see what I’m getting at here. So I turn to the bartender and I say, “Hey where’d you get this stuff? It’s really good.” And he says, as nonchalantly as possible, “My wife’s breastfeeding so I had an extra bottle of milk in the back for the baby.” Now I’m looking at this guy and I’m looking at the empty glass in front of me, and I’ll tell you I was a little furious. I turn on the bartender and I’m like, “You’re telling me I just drank breast milk? What kind of establishment is this?” And I go on and on, and the guy’s just looking at me, but I just keep getting angrier and angrier. And by the end I’m sweating and leaning over the bar about ready to jump over to the other side. I’m panting and my chest is heaving, and this bartender is just staring at me. So I look at him right in the eyes and say, “How much for another glass?”
So I’m sitting there at the bar with my breast milk. Just as I’m finishing it, three women walk into the bar. A brunette, a red head, and a blonde. No joke, this really happened. And they sit down at the bar next to me. Now these women were gorgeous. I couldn’t keep my eyes off them. So full of both confidence and two glasses of breast milk I decide to go over to talk to them. Now things didn’t go as well as planned.
I walk up to these ladies and say, “So who’s interested in a foursome.” Now I know that’s not what the ladies want to hear. I know that, I’m not ignorant. But it was what I thinking, in my head. I was just doing the calculations, 3 gorgeous ladies plus one me equals foursome. That’s how I operate. They didn’t think it was clever. So you know what the brunette does? She punches me right in the balls. Then the red head, a little fiery, takes her drink and throws it in my face. It was water, but still I mean it’s insulting. Then the blonde, well now the blonde, let’s be honest, we all know that blondes are a little, stupid. So she jumps off her barstool onto my back and starts beating me with her fists. Was it called for, maybe, I didn’t think so.
So now I’m completing exhausted and I’m stumbling across the bar and then land myself down into a chair at a table next to this older gentleman. And the guys looking at me and he says, “Well what happened to you?” So I tell him, “I was talking to these three girls, asked if they wanted to have sex with me, the one punched me in the balls, the other splashed water in my face, and the last one jumped on my back.” And the guy looks at me and says, “What?” So I tell him again, girls, sex, punch, splash, jump. And the guy looks at me again and says, “What?” So I tell him again and another what. It’s obvious now that this guy has hearing problems. So I decide to stand up and yell at him. Was it called for, again I don’t know, but I did it anyway. So I’m standing up and I go, “You wanna know what happened to me? A girl just drilled me in the balls, another one squirted in my face, and another one rode me around pounding me the entire time!” The guy at the table next to me stood up and says, “Where can I get me some of that?”
So all and all I’m having a pretty bad day, except for the breast milk but that was really more of a wash. So I’m standing there blushing, red as can be, and decide it’s about time I should go home. But before I go home I want to dry myself off, so I walk over to this waitress and ask her for a towel. And you know what happened? She gave it to me. It was probably the first normal thing that had happened to me all day.
So I used the towel to dry myself off and gave it back to the waitress. Then the two of us went into the bathroom and had sex for two hours. She turned out to be a hermaphidite, but I hadn’t gotten any in a couple of weeks so I didn’t mind so much. Let’s face it, sex is sex. So I pay the girl her money, we agreed on five hundred dollars and I’ll be honest she was worth it, and then I made my way for the door.
I said one last goodbye to the hermaphidite waitress, waved to the hearing impaired old man, at least glanced at the three ladies at the bar, and then paid the breast-milk selling bartender with the money I had gotten from the man who had killed my cat after it had ran away chasing a mouse. Life’s funny that way I guess. So I turn to the door and just as I’m about to leave a priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk walk into the bar. Needless to say this morning I wakeup face down in a creek covered in vomit dressed in a clown costume holding a fire-poker in one hand and an empty can of Slim-Fast in the other. I can only assume it had been a fun evening.